November 8, 2010

my cv – in brief

Filed under: just whinging,politics,sport,the bleedin' obvious — anne thrope (miss) @ 3:20 pm

since i am offended by embroidered or exaggerated resumes i shall keep mine short and factual which i trust the reader will appreciate.

1983: born in the wagon of a travellin show.

i was an unremarkable child. though i’m told i did unnerve the midwife slightly. the story goes that whilst she was preparing to smack my arse i emerged reciting “pi = 3.14159265”.

apparently i similarly irritated my father who when i was just 9 days old, foolishly asked me what i would like for breakfast to which i replied “3.14159265 pies”. he never spoke to me after that.

happily, life took a turn for the better when

1985: at about the age of 18 months i stumbled across a discarded copy of the ft.

from that day i read voraciously and began to show a little more intellectual promise.

so when, at the age of two, on my third day at primary school the central heating broke down and all other attempts to repair it had failed, improbably i was called upon to help. as i recall i had it running perfectly in barely 90 seconds using nothing more than a glass eye from a teddy bear and a half-eaten penny chew, whilst solving two rubik’s cubes with my other hand.

despite generous applause from all quarters i still refused to sit up straight or drink my milk.

1987: at four i entered and was accepted for the bbc’s prestigious mastermind quiz. although i managed to bag a satisfactory 78 points in the general knowledge section, sadly my fate had already been sealed in the specialist subject round where having narrowed my options to two, namely ‘the life and works of max beerbohm’ and ‘anoraks i have owned’, i had foolishly selected the latter.

not surprisingly, at such a tender age i had owned no more than two, so the question-master quickly ran out of ammo and i was left impatiently twiddling my little pink thumbs till the two minute buzzer sounded, the overall outcome being my defeat by a margin of just one point at the hands of three-an-a-half year-old heidi hole from cleckheaton who had the foresight to answer on the obviously more favourable subject of ‘babygrows’.

my feckless choice of subject vexes me to this day. incidentally, trailing a poor third in the contest was 31 year-old ernst blowfelt, a draughtsman from ormskirk. not surprisingly he chose to answer on ‘draughts’.

given his west lancashire upbringing one might have expected him to have sat in a few but his performance was dismal. it further transpired that in readiness for the general knowledge round he had been boning-up on military history. what a sap. but i digress, soz.

july 12: invented fusion cooking.

1988: at six i was the talk of the street when, skipping ‘o levels’ out of boredom i passed eleven subjects at ‘a level’, (all at a-star obviously) in a day. by this time i was devoting my evenings to helping make ends meet by offering private tuition to second and third year mit stragglers.

1989: a tedious four-month sojourn to melbourne university followed where without opening a single book i gained a first-class honours degree in crass-pig-ignorance. (i was denied a distinction having failed to attend crucial modules on ‘chuckun another shreemp on the baarbee’ and ‘pourun a coldie’).

nonetheless my reward was dinner at the savoy grill with madonna and sean penn, which i must admit i did not enjoy as the atmosphere was strained to say the least and i was on pins the whole evening. for the record, madonna is useless at small-talk.

departing australia since there was nothing else they could teach me, i was in the process of applying for funding to study at harvard when out-of-the-blue, man u called: “would you like to join the first team squad for training with a view to signing a lucrative contract?”

i was sure i could do better and decided to wait for other more tempting offers and let the reds sweat.

as it happened, after my bedtime story that evening, i was drifting into a contented sleep when ‘tap, tap, tap’ on the bloody window pane! you’ll never guess who it was. only (apologies to the late peter cook) luis felipe scolari begging me to dig him out of a hole at palmeiras. not surprisingly i told him to bugger-off and contact my agent at a more reasonable hour.

so imagine my surprise when the following day, whilst i was putting the final touches to my draft paper for a comprehensive and lasting settlement in the middle east, and the big brazilian was nursing his bruised ego at his hotel, a begging letter arrived from real madrid.

i left it a couple of days before opening it, and another couple before faxing them a grudging acceptance, but to be honest i’d always preferred the playing surface at the Bernabeu and they were offering me twice as much as man u.

and so to spain where, while the rest of the squad were out eyeing-up crumpet, i was able to leverage the downtime between training sessions and matches and utilising the pleasant and spacious bernabau canteen, wrote a 50,000 word dissertation entitled ‘advanced masters in bullshit’ for which i was awarded harvard’s prestigious post-graduate degree in applied mendacity, emerging as a fully-certificated pathological lying git in a record three weeks, whilst practising throw-ins with the jam roly-poly.

1991: during a long weekend back in civilisation i was mooching the royal box at ascot when who should stroll in but mikhail gorbachev in the company of the lovely raisa.

always a sharp dresser, mickey was sporting a trademark savile row suit, but on this occasion teamed, not with the customary armani silk tie, but a short, admittedly beautifully-crafted italian kid hide tether. i could see at a glance that he was near the end of it.

when, i puzzled, had i last seen him dressed this way?

ah yes! it was in 1986 on the front steps of the hofdi house in reykjavik as he emerged, spitting blood from the last session of the abortive ‘start’ talks.

by chance i had been appointed to reagan’s advisory team and although sadly able to contribute little during the open forums, as the microphones were all four feet above my head, i was able to negotiate the solution in private, shortly thereafter.

but i digress, again, soz, again.

sensing that the tether was on this occasion dangerously tightened, on the flimsy pretext of a quick anglo/soviet slash, i drew gorby into a sideroom: “whats the prob mickey?” i enquired gently. and it all came flooding out.

russia was going to hell in a hand cart. “no shit sherlock” i intoned sympathetically and while i ordered another round of double remy martins on his tab, the great man let rip his litany of woes.

well, obviously he had the misfortune to have been born in soviet russia, but hey, shit happens.

but to endure forty years among poisonous party apparatchiks and lick-spittles, working his way assiduously to the pinnacle of the oligarchy only to find the whole ill-thought-out mess imploding on his watch. shit!

in nearby romania, golf-buddy nicky ceauÅŸescu and his ravishing wife elena had all-too-recently been summarily tried and shot dead for objecting to the absence of applause at their latest serving of totalitarian drivel.

meanwhile, at home, normally-docile citizens were beginning to demand more-regular supplies of sausage to dunk in their vodka! what the hell’s a guy supposed to do?

“take a chill-pill mickey” i said: “whizz down to your dacha in the crimea and keep your head down: i’ll give you a bell when i’ve sorted it”.

well, to cut a long story short, i made a couple of calls and a few days later mickey waltzed back to moscow, handed over the nuclear button to yeltsin and everything was ginger-peachy.

1992: tiring of the superficial and over-rewarded world of professional football i enrolled for a stanford university correspondence course, and just six weeks later i was awarded a doctorate in quantum mechanics with a chocolate brownie and large fries.

emerging blinkingly from the cloistered word of academia i applied to join mi6. naturally i was accepted but left after just nine days as i couldn’t stand all the lying.

1993 to date: barman, ring’o’bells, streatham, n. london (own bow-tie and cocktail shaker).

other achievements:

1986: third place at the world chess championships, bangkok losing in the semis to boris betterthanme who was crushed in the final by victor shitot and sadly shot himself that night.

1988: won the womens high board competition at the seoul olympics but was later disqualified for cross-dressing.

1988: six weeks at starfleet command teaching klingon as a foreign language.

1989: single-handedly wrapped the pont neuf, paris in a drab grey fabric one night after a skinful of creme de menthe and a bad kebab.

1989: unlocked the berlin wall liberating the entire population of the gdr with a key from my auntie maggie’s old wardrobe.

enough already. gis a job, i can do that. 😉

No Comments »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.