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while many commmentators have been pilloried for their criticism of kevin pietersen’s dismissal in the first innings at cardiff, i agree with them.

in fact, as i said last time “get a chance against the aussies you better pour-it-on”.

well we did (get a chance), and we didn’t (pour-it-on).

and the result of this failure is surely crystal-clear for all to see! the australians, by contrast, never miss an opportunity to exploit weakness, and therein lies the difference between us. these tiresome colonials show a streak of stickability a mile wide.

they aren’t just moderately interested in the idea of winning should the opportunity be kind enough to present itself: they go out onto the park with a determination to make it happen.

or perhaps that should be “bloody-well make it happen”. yes, i think it should.

and that’s why they’re walking all over us in this first test. realistically we probably need rain to come to our rescue. at the risk of sounding unpatriotic we don’t deserve it.

so lift your game. find some stickability and bat-out however much of three sessions you have to.

oh, and recall harmison for the second test. we badly need a somebody who can bowl plenty of overs and put a bit of fear into these upstarts.

kind regards, an englishman.

in a world of filthy greed, vaulting ambition and human frailty it’s never a surprise when the biter gets bit.

and so it is that after weeks (or was it months) of revelations of the disgraceful house of commons ‘expenses’ culture by the telegraph, the spotlight now turns on the lousy world of journalism over claims of wholesale illegal phone tapping by news international ‘reporters’.

as they used to say in old money: ‘people in glass houses should get out of the kitchen’.

paradoxically, almost before this story is out-of-the-blocks it backlashes into politics due to cameron’s ill-advised choice of press guru, andy coulson, the man who knew nothing about these offences but purely out of a sense of honour, resigned anyway, before he could be questioned on the matter.

sweet dreams, david. (i know: you’re relaxed already).

bring out the tumbrills, again. (if wet, in the church hall)

anybody unconvinced by my previous post could do worse than taking a look at the state of play at the end of day two.

sure the england tail wagged and a decent first innings total was posted but the australians still find themselves with an impressive closing total of 249 for the loss of just one wicket.

as i said yesterday, if you get a chance against the aussies you better pour-it-on or they will most surely come back a bite your arse.

nighty-night cobbers.

although he survived a stick-on lbw let-off, pietersen made a creditable 69 in the first innings of the opening test of the much-trumpeted ashes test series at cardiff; no really, cardiff

so why, after such good fortune did he play that rotten sweep shot, committing so early that he invited the bowler to stuff him? the bowler duly obliged and our hero was caught off his helmet sweeping a delivery so wide of off stump that even my granny would have left it alone!

worse was to come in the post-match interview when the great man assured us that he had no regrets about the shot and would do it all over again, given the chance, which he no doubt will be, and no doubt will!

of course he’s our top weapon. i just wish he could learn little humility, but to be honest i’d settle for him just leaving those stupid shots alone, especially if he’s going to give everyone, in particular the bowler so much advance warning.

he has the natural talent to bat most teams of the park playing proper cricket shots.

why is this so important; after all he did make a decent score? yes of course he did. but look at it from the australians’ point of view. they got away with a headache whe they could have had a bloody nose.

enough already!

the recurring theme among g8 publicity clips is of the great one (primus inter pares – of course) patting the backs of his co-religionists like some benign uncle. what’s that about then?

well, he’s on the opening leg and hoping that progress will be eased if he ingratiates himself with each of these transient irritants he has decided to do just that, by convincing them on-by-one that they’re his special friend. heart-warming and inconspicuous all at the same time.

who was it who said that “the secret of politics is sincerity. if you can fake that you’ve cracked it!”?

i don’t remember, but whoever it was, i’m with them.

cheeribye poppets.

so obama delivers his motherhood-and-apple-pie speech to russia’s future movers and shakers and receives a warmly appreciative response.

which it must be said is more than he got from it’s current leaders. though to be fair, at least medvedev made an effort at looking friendly.

putin by contrast wore the just-seen-my-arse-again-and-didn’t-like-the-look-of-it expression so beloved by soviet gerontocrats of old.

perhaps he was just confused by referrals to medvedev as mr. president.

do svidaniya baboushka!

yes, always good value for money, peter, ’scuse i, lord mandelson has done it again with the long-promised part-privatation of the royal mail.

in the teeth of bitter opposition from the rump of labour mps who still remember what socialism means our hero has assured us for months that the sell-off was a dead-cert.

well swipe me. out of the blue, the slippery little spinner now advises us that the essential sale is now off as he has found it impossible to negotiate a satisfactory price.

so, nothing to do with trying to appease the parliamentary labour party and keep the great leader in number 10 a bit longer then.

well obviously not!

bye for now pundits.

i’ve had another one of my top marketing ideas!

wacko jacko snackos! a crunchy, tangy nacho-type snackette, baked to a rich golden brown on one side but pale-and-interesting on the other. just the thing for sad americans who’ll buy any old rubbish if you push their buttons in the right order, in their hour of need.

and for the impoverished uk fizzy drink market we surely need go no further than “jacko – the king of pop”, a deceptively tempting cola which actually tastes like warm windolene and turns white when you throw it up!

see, genius, without even trying!

but what’s that rumble in the distance? whoa it’s getting closer.

no worries it’s just the “jackson estate” dropping by to register an interest and collect it’s 15%, purely for the benefit of the princely kids you understand. not a bean for the distraught family or the posse of ambulance chasers who could smell a greenback at a thousand yards in a hurricane. hell no!

my mistake then.

shamone!

i’ve been absent again. go on, correct me! more! more!

but seriously ..ish i’ve been resisting all this brown bashing as much as i could. i mean, it’s so tempting it hurts, but it’s also what’s often described as “like shooting fish in a barrel”. where’s the achievement? it’s just too easy!

a less generous individual might say “never give a bum an even break”. for me though, this loser is worth less of my time and attention as every day passes. he spent his life yearning for this plum job and with characteristic aplomb, crow-barred it into his grasp just when it was turning to shit. but we’ve done this gargoyle to hell and and back.

much more interesting is surely gorgeous peter mandelson. you could stab this poppet through the heart with a graveyard-full of crosses every night of the week and he’d still fetch-up hale and hearty next morning assuring you that white, though possibly not entirely black is most certainly a deep charcoal grey.

and why wouldn’t you believe him? he’s had more come-backs than lazarus (mark lawrenson, match of the day, every week).

enough already, i’m off to the local elections count. i can’t wait.

it’s easy to take the piss and i don’t mind being first in the queue when the mood takes me.

but why is it that whatever brown touches turns crap-shaped? you can’t explain it but that’s just how it is. for example, he didn’t choose this speaker, for all i know he didn’t even want him; who knows, or cares?

but for me, brown reminds me of playing with plasticene: he’s the kid who mixes all the colours together and gets a ball of shit.

frankly, i don’t even like to think about the excesses and inequalities a new conservative government might bring but at least cameron is talking a good game by-and-large, and we can hope that continuing economic austerity might curb the worst.

if a week is a long time in politics then a year must be an age, but i still don’t think it’s long enough for gordon brown to come back into fashion.

you’re part of the problem man, push-off!