dark-horse steve millerband announces his audacious campaign, catchily straplined “i’m a joker, i’m a smoker, i’m a midnight toker” and looks likely to eclipse the lack-lustre efforts of his warring siblings in short order.

who’d o’ thought it?

alas and alack, it occurs to me that the duration of my silence has coincided almost precisely with that of the world cup.

well somebody’s granny (perhaps even mine) once told me “if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all”; so with england’s performance in mind i have taken that advice.

and i propose to keep it that way rather than think about it and risk being sick on my shoes.

get a grip losers.

the shy, retiring late-night political pundite having earlier received the backing of stand-in leader harriet harperson garnered more vital votes previously pledged to her only left-leaning opponent when he withdrew from the race.

charmingly, she also received the vote of front-running opponent david miliband, of the well-known duo ‘edband’. condescending? moi? he might as well have stabbed her in the eye with a fork.

of course the chances of an abbott victory are vanishingly small but her presence at the debates over the next three months (god help us) might at least introduce the few remaining blairites to some of the basics of socialism. or not

at least she’ll add a touch of much-needed colour (none intended obv) to this otherwise bland line-up of westminster careerists and maybe give use a giggle or two along the way at their expense.

and in the event of her failure she has at least the comfort of her career as a concert pianist to fall back on.

middle ‘c’ anyone?

over breakfast, last monday, right out of nowhere i said to the bemusement of the present mrs rant:-

‘that laws geezer; he’s done something bad.’

‘who she said? what are you talking about?’

undeterred by her characteristic failure of comprehension i explained that i was referring to david laws, newly appointed chief sec to the treasury.

now as to the origin of this information or how i had garnered it i had, and still have no clue, but so it came to pass, which makes it all-the-more unnerving. swipe me!

still, since we’re on the subject i might as well give you the benefit of my wisdom on recent revelations, be they never so prosaic.

first, mr laws seems to have been well-front when brains were being dished out.

okay, so he bats for the other side: not my cup of tea but hardly a hanging offence in the 21st century.

but then his problems, if we are to believe everything he says, probably date back to the 20th century; not that it makes much difference.

anyway, despite the brevity of his tenure in office the politics junkies among us have been left in no doubt as to his brilliance and his multi-millionaireness. nothing wrong with that.

so let’s look at the details here, in so far as we seem to have them.

for the purpose of concealing his gay relationship he claimed expenses presumably comparable to those of a person renting a room in another’s home when had he been open about his relationship he would have been able to claim perhaps double the amount in question.

on the one hand this suggests a certain persisisting perversity in the rules surrounding mps’ expenses claims.

but it also suggests, at least to me, that a mind as sharp as mr laws should have seen this coming and realised that the wise choice would have been to simply claim nothing.

in the words of the prophet: ‘they can’t touch you for it!’

but you don’t get to be a multi-millionare at his age without a preference to bag a quid here-and-there when you get the chance.

in summary: chances of:-

1. concealing your sexual preferences and leading any kind of relaxed lifestyle … tricky.

2. doing the above as a high-profile member of the cabinet … in prurient 21st century britain … next to impossible.

3. doing the above having broken the rules on mps’ expenses … vanishingly small.

at this moment david laws displays many of the characteristics of peter mandelson so he’s a long way from being politically dead-and-buried and must be grateful for the gracious words of his prime minister and party leader.

though what they must have said in private about his crass screw-up less than three weeks into the coalition he had such a prominent role in crafting one can only imagine.

still expect him back before to long; the coalition can ill afford to do without him.

let’s hope that, unlike mandelson, he doesn’t screw-up a second time. anyhow, if he does i’ll at least make the effort to let you know beforehand

cheery bye soothsayers.

other gems emerging today include suggestions that despite owing £100,000′s to all and sundry on both sides of the atlantic this deluded simpleton retains a staff of twelve!

i hope they make sure to get their no doubt trivial stipends in cash for their own sake.

on a lighter note news attributed to insiders suggests that her state-of-mind is fragile: no shit sherlock!

let’s hope she doesn’t risk further psychological damage by trying to get a handle on what happens to other people who spend money they haven’t got while carelessly lacking the opportunity to hawk access to a minor royal.

pass me a bucket, this one’s overflowing.

as you can see i had one today when i read the latest about this pathetic, deluded mess; a legend in her own kitchen; where she has probably never been.

scummy, self-serving behaviour of this kind by morons who have no understanding of when they’re well-off has led to monarchies, and their heads, being removed in the not-too-distant past.

not that i’m suggesting that this brain-donor is part of the monarchy but there’s no doubt in my mind that shit rubs off.

sadly, even the deepest public opprobrium is unlikely to deter, or even penetrate the elephant hide of this of a grasping creature which over the last two decades has only further-stained the already tarnished reputation of britain’s royal family.

no offence intended obviously. bring on the tumbrils.

the much-trailed announcements of second-tranche candidates ed balls and andy burnham joining the fun heightened the tension to almost coma-pitch. to be fair they serve also to dilute the contest’s hitherto concentrated milibandness.

what a relief however when, out of the blue, late-night tv pundit and unapologetic piano forte virtuoso diane abbott stepped from the shadows to throw the whole predictable procession to ed miliband’s long-awaited succession into turmoil.

(just kidding: abbott has only two chances in the race; slim or none. and like the man said; slim just left town

which in reality leaves us waiting breathlessly for a full four months till ‘ensign miliband’ is given ‘the con’.

‘mr (insert random shadow cabinet minister’s name) plot a course for a ball-achingly long stint in opposition.’

aye aye captain.

more to the point, in the tradition of ‘dubbya’, how can he possibly be re-elected? we’ll know soon.

ps: okay, so he was. god help us. i think i’m losing the will to live.

is it me or is there a whiff of star trek about these boys? whatever, in the spirit of x factor i’m calling them ‘edband’.

(not to be confused with influential 1970s electronic music duo Tonto’s Expanding Head Band … it’s easily done

as it happens i used to be one of his biggest fans till he joined the repellant tobacco industry. nobody with his track record and range of options could be hard-up enough to justify that on the grounds of needing the cash.

anyhow there he is again, back in the pound seats.

a word of advice clarky: suit and hush puppies was never great but this latest get-up takes the cake.

knee breeches, silk stockings and a bib? on a fat, 70 year old geezer? in 2010? get a grip man you look like a reject from an amateur gilbert and sullivan production.

none intended obviously and much luck in the job; you’ll need it. not that it will affect you either way.