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belatedly ( ‘scuse i) i must congratulate england’s cricketers, stout-hearted fellows one-and-all, on their even more belated success in the caribbean. a minor gong is, as they say, better than no gong at all.

and so, in a spirit of even-handedness i must also pay glowing tribute to our football team for a very creditable win against an admittedly rather lack-lustre ukrainian squad. true enough the last twenty minutes of the game was a bit windy but the outcome, completing a record for manager fabio capello of five wins from five games surely speaks for itself.

bring on jonny foreigner from all parts, in all disciplines; we have cruel and unusual punishments in mind for all-comers.

see ya; wouldn’t wanna be ya

so alan shearer is to manage newcastle united for the rest of the season. i wish him good luck.

although not surprised, i was sorry to see him go there as a player, and my expectations were fulfilled. i’ll spare you a re-run of the old chairman, fire and canteen gag and let it suffice to say they never won anything.

so what has the club done for shearer apart from employ him and pay him a mountain of wages? to be honest, probably not a lot.

after all, surely a player of his stature deserves to be in a winning team. so it’s a tribute and a mark of the man that he stayed the course there.

but on the pitch alan shearer was always ‘johnny on the spot’ and this latest move is no exception. it’s what people who know about such things like to refer to as a win-win situation.

if they’re relegated, well with only eight games to go it “would have been a miracle, man. ya did yah best. have a broon on me.”

but if they stay up “tha man’s a jeenyas. give ‘im a contract till the end of time. give ‘im the clewb man, he’s earned it! away man, give ‘im the freedom of the city. away (further) man, give ‘im the city!” (enough cod geordie drivel already)

to be honest i’m just looking forward to the tv coverage of his arrival as manager. it’ll make kevin keegan’s unveiling look like a mothers’ union meeting on a wet wednesday.

a chill wind of fear blows through stamford bridge. maybe.

much has been reported about the prospects for division at the upcoming g20 summit.

of course, as a british patriot i hope that this historic meeting will go without any kind of hitch, and of course burnish the credentials of our revered leader into the bargain.

nonetheless, although any tensions will be cloaked in diplomatic language i’m fearful for our close and steadfast friends the french, who might feel the need to leave the summit abruptly with their parsnips unbuttered. tant pis.

matter of fact, i’m no less concerned for our reliable, long-time allies the germans who, despite the president’s extraordinary pre-election “ich bin ein berliner” tour, seem equally likely to be left out in the cold. schade.

it’s surely long-overdue that we europeans, tied as we are with a common bond of err, europeanness stood up to the over-mighty usa, or ‘the engine of the world economy’ as we used know it, before everything went shit-shaped.

wakey-wakey, or poisson d’avril, as they don’t say in prague.

enough with the schadenfroh already; wheel out the chardonnay.